hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
