I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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