I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
