stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
