I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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