took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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