Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
