I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
