based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
