how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
