I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
