that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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