it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
