I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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