this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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