She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
