he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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