If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
me + whiskey = a bad person
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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