Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
