i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
