Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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