I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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