I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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