So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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