my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
