She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
