I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
