I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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