my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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