I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
