How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
