oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
