yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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