Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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