Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
