You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
farters have to be the big spoon...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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