I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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