My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
