Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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