Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
