Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize