So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
