You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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