Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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