I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
