i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
