Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
