Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
