i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
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I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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