oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
