You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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