This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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