My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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