ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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