Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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