I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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