you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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