Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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