Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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