Umm I'm too high to move.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
